


Lifeline

by Mareel



Series: Alone [12]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, Friendship, Gen, Horizon (Mass Effect), M/M, Mass Effect 2, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Suicide Mission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 02:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4688795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Far away for far too long</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lifeline

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place on the _Normandy SR2_ near the end of ME2, during final preparations for the transit of the Omega 4 relay (suicide mission).
> 
> It is prior to any acknowledged relationship between Kaidan and Shepard, and refers to a message Kaidan sent to Shepard post-Horizon ([The Wall](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4435901)). 
> 
> The summary is from "Far Away" - Nickelback

 

To: Councilor David Anderson  
From: Spectre (Commander) John Shepard

I used my Spectre codes to minimize the chance of this message being intercepted. Apologies if that was inappropriate, but I don't have a lot of alternatives.

I don't know if you're spoken with Hackett, but during my last conversation with him, we made an agreement. If I survive one final mission out here, I will be returning to Earth. Whatever the music is, I'll face it. You know my loyalties and I know where I need to be.

This last mission could go seriously sideways, but it's important. So I just wanted to tell you, in case it does, that I have appreciated your support through all this. I know it probably puts you in an uncomfortable position. 

I hate to do this, but I need to ask for a personal favor. Would you please forward the attached message to Commander Alenko? I know you couldn't tell me anything of his whereabouts when we spoke on the Citadel shortly after my return, but we met on Horizon. 

There was mistrust and misunderstandings all around at that meeting, as you might imagine. But Kaidan did message me afterward and that meant a lot to me. I would like him to know that, before I go off on a mission that could get me killed again. He told me that my death was rough on him and I don't want to put him through it again. But all I can do is send my apologies and best wishes to him, with your assistance. 

Thanks very much. I'm glad to know that no matter what happens to me, Kaidan has you watching out for him.

Shepard

_________________________________

 

To: Commander Kaidan Alenko  
From: Shepard

Kaidan –  I'm not sure how to even start here. I know I never replied to the message you sent me after we met on Horizon. Not because I didn't want to – just... it's complicated.

But now, fuck it. I'm done with complications.

In a few hours, we're heading off on a mission. The potential payoff in intel could be invaluable, but no ship going where we're headed has ever come back. 

So before that, there are things I want... _need_... to say to you. 

I need to thank you for that message after Horizon. When it arrived, I was in a pretty bad place. I didn't know how to make anything right, or even better. That you would reach out to me like that... it meant a lot. 

Sometimes I reread your message. That probably doesn't make any sense, but it makes me feel less disconnected, maybe less alone. And every time I do, I know I should reply. Maybe a few words could help you get through a rough time of your own, I don't know. 

What I _do_ know is that I contributed to that mess on Horizon and want to apologize. I don't want to go on this mission with you thinking that I'm a traitor to the Alliance... and even worse, a friend who had betrayed you. And Kaidan, don't ever apologize for being loyal to the Alliance. Your integrity is so much of who you are, and I have always admired it.

Damn it. I've written and deleted so many words trying to find a way to explain things. But I don't think words are going to be much help. Maybe my actions will speak for me. 

It's no secret, even to him, that I don't like – or trust – the Illusive Man. After this one last mission, I plan to return to Earth, to the Alliance. Hackett knows this. And I just told Anderson. Whatever happens then is out of my hands, but it's what I need to do... in order to live with myself. 

I think I've gotten off-track here, and I don't have a lot of time left. 

Kaidan, the worst part about all of this is that I miss you. Seeing you on Horizon - for just a moment the world felt right again. I want that feeling back, want to regain your trust, your respect... your friendship. I _need_ those things, need us to be on the same side, facing whatever comes. Fighting by your side. Having each other's backs.

I hate like hell to have to write this next part, because no one should have to lose someone twice, but in case this is my last message, take care, Kaidan. I'm proud to have been your friend. If things go well, I hope to see you on the other side.

John Shepard

_________________________________

 


End file.
